The Struggle Is Real ..
So, my drinking life seems to go in waves. I can go through a wave where I don’t drink on my lunch break, then it seems the week after, it happens. I don’t get drunk on my lunch, it’s 1-2 drinks, but then going back to work puts me in a bad mood. Since I’ve already started drinking, I don’t want to stop.
I also feel as though at times, that I have this whole drinking thing under control. For example, I was sick a few weeks ago, like flu sick. I didn’t drink Monday-Thursday. Was it on my mind? Absolutely! By Friday, I didn’t drink until my son went to bed at 7pm. And then I had 2 half glasses of wine and went to bed. Saturday, same thing, I waited for my son to go to bed at 7pm, and then had a couple glasses of wine, and was in bed by 10. To say that I didn’t have the urge to drink starting around noon, would be a complete lie, but I powered through it. On Sunday, I didn’t have a drink until 6pm, then had a glass of wine in the bathtub and went to bed .. awesome, I’m getting my drinking under control like I’ve wanted since my son was born.
...yeah right!
Now I am back to fighting this lingering urge constantly. I don’t need alcohol to function, I don’t hide it around my house, I don’t drink when I wake up .. but, do you know how annoying it is to have it on your mind all-the-time? When I’m brushing my teeth in the morning, it’s of course the self talk of “nope, I’m taking today off...” but then my thought process goes to where I can have a drink during my lunch, how many clients am I seeing today? Zero? Well, more reason to be able to drink on my lunch then. Then after work, I will pick up my son, go home, put my work bag down, pour him some milk, then inevitably, pour myself that glass of wine. One of my biggest triggers is the time between picking my son up from daycare, and him going to bed, I guess it’s dubbed the “witching hour?” It’s about 2-2.5 hours, but I don’t know what to do with myself. If I don’t drink, then it’s all I can seem to think about, and if I do drink, then I feel awful about it. My son plays with his toys and watches his “Thomas the Train” and I sip on my wine and scroll instagram. I DO interact with him and play with him, feed him dinner, bathe him, etc .. but that glass of wine is this first thing in my mind.
I tell myself that I am having a couple glasses and then going to bed so I can feel rested for work the next day, then another glass is poured, and another. It’s a vicious cycle that I can’t seem to break. I so badly want to break this soon, so my son won’t remember (he’s 2) but it just seems so damn hard! I’m sick of feeling foggy, I’m sick of feeling out of it, I’m sick of not feeling present, I’m sick of longing and thinking and consuming my thoughts with when, where, and how I will obtain my next drink. Taking a day off is so hard. I’m lucky if I take 1-2 days off per month.
...yet here I sit. At work, thinking about where I can go during my hour lunch break and get that crisp glass of wine.
I also feel as though at times, that I have this whole drinking thing under control. For example, I was sick a few weeks ago, like flu sick. I didn’t drink Monday-Thursday. Was it on my mind? Absolutely! By Friday, I didn’t drink until my son went to bed at 7pm. And then I had 2 half glasses of wine and went to bed. Saturday, same thing, I waited for my son to go to bed at 7pm, and then had a couple glasses of wine, and was in bed by 10. To say that I didn’t have the urge to drink starting around noon, would be a complete lie, but I powered through it. On Sunday, I didn’t have a drink until 6pm, then had a glass of wine in the bathtub and went to bed .. awesome, I’m getting my drinking under control like I’ve wanted since my son was born.
...yeah right!
Now I am back to fighting this lingering urge constantly. I don’t need alcohol to function, I don’t hide it around my house, I don’t drink when I wake up .. but, do you know how annoying it is to have it on your mind all-the-time? When I’m brushing my teeth in the morning, it’s of course the self talk of “nope, I’m taking today off...” but then my thought process goes to where I can have a drink during my lunch, how many clients am I seeing today? Zero? Well, more reason to be able to drink on my lunch then. Then after work, I will pick up my son, go home, put my work bag down, pour him some milk, then inevitably, pour myself that glass of wine. One of my biggest triggers is the time between picking my son up from daycare, and him going to bed, I guess it’s dubbed the “witching hour?” It’s about 2-2.5 hours, but I don’t know what to do with myself. If I don’t drink, then it’s all I can seem to think about, and if I do drink, then I feel awful about it. My son plays with his toys and watches his “Thomas the Train” and I sip on my wine and scroll instagram. I DO interact with him and play with him, feed him dinner, bathe him, etc .. but that glass of wine is this first thing in my mind.
I tell myself that I am having a couple glasses and then going to bed so I can feel rested for work the next day, then another glass is poured, and another. It’s a vicious cycle that I can’t seem to break. I so badly want to break this soon, so my son won’t remember (he’s 2) but it just seems so damn hard! I’m sick of feeling foggy, I’m sick of feeling out of it, I’m sick of not feeling present, I’m sick of longing and thinking and consuming my thoughts with when, where, and how I will obtain my next drink. Taking a day off is so hard. I’m lucky if I take 1-2 days off per month.
...yet here I sit. At work, thinking about where I can go during my hour lunch break and get that crisp glass of wine.
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